I have a court date scheduled with Levi for October 23rd. He still hasn't paid a dime of child support and I, sick of draining my bank account down to pennies every day, am sick of putting up with his bullshit.

I am exhausted. This whole ordeal is so freaking exhausting. I never realized how worn out your emotions can make you. Getting a divorce is like running a million marathons.

I tried everything. I tried to go it alone. I've tried to pay for everything by myself. I've tried having four or five jobs at one time  I've tried to reason with him. I've tried to negotiate with him — always reiterating, "I'm not asking for a whole lot, I'm not asking to get rich, I just need some help." 

Every single time I've tried, I've either been met with lies, empty promises, or absolute hostility.

It's weird though, I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just...tired. I want peace in my life. I want happiness. I want my son to have a peaceful, happy, wonderful life. I need to be able to provide that for him.

I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. Why is it so impossible for me to communicate this effectively to Levi — effectively enough so that he'll listen? Effectively enough so that he'll step up and do SOMETHING.

This doesn't feel right, either. It doesn't feel right to drag the man — a man that I once loved so much — into court and call him a deadbeat.

I realize now why I've been avoiding this moment for so long — filing papers, and then retracting them — it's painful. This hurts. This back and forth bickering. This sitting back and watching Levi not only abandon but totally neglect our son. This really hurts. I only wish there was another way. 

I met my ex's sister, Erica, for the second time today. We had originally planned to meet yesterday and have a picnic in the park, but that didn't work out.

So, as I had already decided to take Adrian fall shopping today (it's getting cold quick, and I just realized he doesn't have any pants that fit him!), she asked if she could come along and perhaps buy him some clothes.

I agreed, but warned her that shopping on a weekend, in Manhattan, with a two year old can make someone nuts — but she still wanted to come.

The last time we met, we barely talked about Levi and I was hoping not to talk too much about him today. On the way to meet her, I reminded myself, several times, to keep my snide comments to myself. I'm really good at making them, but I know it's not her fault her brother is an asshole, so I try to keep it in check.

Well, about halfway into shopping she announces to me that she is adopting a baby. I was pretty surprised by this as the last time we talked she told me that she would never consider adoption.

She went on to tell me that the process was going to take awhile, because she wants a newborn and some other specific requirements.

Before I even had a second to think the words "Or, you could just wait until your brother has another one he doesn't want" popped out of my mouth and right at her.

She didn't say anything...right away. About five minutes later she said, "You know, I told Levi that he should get a vasectomy." I nodded and said, "He should want to." Then she said, "Yeah, I told him that he should freeze some sperm before he gets it, in case he wants to have another baby."

That's when I said, "Or he can just take care of the children that he has."

It has come to my attention that my ex, Levi — the man that's been crying broke for three years — now has his eight-year-old daughter living with him in Los Angeles.

Apparently, his first ex-wife will be moving to the West Coast in a few months (family reunion?) and she thought it best that her daughter starts the school year there.

When my friend (and former fling) Rex first told me about this, I was pissed. I mean, I was really in a rage.

How dare he take care of one child and totally disregard the other?! How dare he cry poverty whilst bringing his daughter on trips to Disneyland? And what about the rest of them? Do any of these people have a conscience?

I was so pissed off, I almost picked up the phone and let him have it.

It was then that I realized what I was doing. Getting myself all worked up over something that really, I saw coming a year ago. I'm not one bit surprised by this.

So what's my deal? Am I angry for Adrian or am I angry for me? I'm guess a little bit of both. But taking the time to realize, and not react, was a huge step for me and one that I am very proud of.

I calmed down, rationalized that this latest act of his doesn't affect our lives at all, it's just more of the same.

And furthermore, I think it's great that Levi is willing to support and love one of his children; it's the least that he can do, right?

Next month, it will be a year since Levi has seen our son. He came to New York last October for court and spent about an hour with us. Of his three-week visit. This year, Levi has been in New York twice — that I know of — and hasn't bothered to visit with Adrian once.

I used to partially believe him when he claimed it was the distance (I'm on the East Coast and Levi's on the West) that kept him from Adrian; or rather, I preferred to believe that. But now, it's obvious that it is Levi that is keeping Levi away from Adrian.

He has never bought him a toy, a T-shirt, a diaper. He has never called to ask how he is. Didn't come to see Adrian when he was in the hospital. He didn't send him so much as a birthday card last year, and I can't imagine that he'll send him one this year.

Everywhere I go, I am constantly reminded of fathers. The boy on his dad's shoulders, the little girl playing in the pool squealing "Daddy," the billboard that I see every day on my way to work that asks, "Have you been a father today?"

Lucky for us, my son has a lot of positive male role models in his life. Most importantly, my uncle has really stepped up and filled both the grandfather and father role with Adrian. Because of this, I am sure that Adrian will be OK, despite Levi's behavior.

However, what really concerns me is how absolutely normal this type of behavior is. This men-abandoning-their-children phenomenon. My story, Adrian's story, is shocking, yet, nobody is shocked by iy. There are a half a dozen stories just like mine, living on my street alone.

Apparently, my ex, Levi, caught wind of my lunch date with his sister, Erica. He called last night, said he wanted to have a "civil conversation." (I really must remember to send the man a dictionary with the word "civil" highlighted.)

Then he rambled on and on about how he "isn't going to do anything for Adrian just yet" and how he will "never go through me to have a relationship with Adrian, that he must wait until Adrian is old enough to formulate a relationship with him himself." Same old, same old.

Then he switched gears and told me that he is going to "come take him from me." More of the same. Listening to him now, I can't believe that I ever got myself so upset over his bullshit.

This time I simply told him, "Thank you for the update" and added, "It was nice catching up with you." Done.

Then I met Erica in the city for lunch yesterday. We met at the cafe outside of the zoo, ate, and then wandered around the animal exhibits. She tried to engage Adrian a few times, but he was way more interested in the monkeys and sea lions than in her.

It was only at the end of our day that she brought up Levi, and...their mother. (I still can't decide which one of them I loathe more.) Apparently, the mom wants to see Adrian but she doesn't want to see me. Levi has told his family that he is okay with them "filling in for him" — holding a place for him, until he is ready to be a parent. I told her that it wasn't the right time to talk about it.

But seriously, what can I do but shake my head in disbelief at the utter dysfunction that is their family?

After all of this back and forth nonsense with my ex's family, I've made a lunch date with Erica, Levi's sister. I came to this decision when I was discussing the dilemma with my best friend. She has dealt with a similar situation with her ex-in-laws, so she is my "go to" girl on these issues.

She told me that she had decided to embrace the ex-in-laws and, "treat them the way I would have liked them to treat me," and that it had really worked out well for her.

Heck, all of this arguing isn't working — so I figured, why not give it a try.

Besides, Erica isn't as bad as the rest of them. In fact, she's an absolute dream compared to the rest of them.

I decided that it would be best if we have a quick bite to eat in the park (as Adrian is somewhat of a monster in restaurants), and afterwards go take a walk through the Central Park Zoo.

Adrian, like all kids, loves the zoo. He runs around and says "hi" to everyone and everything. Like, "Hi, monkey!" and "Hi, man." It's absolutely adorable.  With that kind of distraction I don't think that there is any way that Erica and I can get into an argument.

Of course then I have all of these paranoid notions that she will see how perfect, cute, handsome, charming, and just absolutely amazing my son is and try to take him. To that my mom says, "You've got to stop thinking that everybody wants to steal your baby. Nobody in their right mind would steal a child." And she's right.

But we are talking about Levis' family here, remember?

My father showed up at my house yesterday. In case you don't remember, this is my father's story.

Along with being my father, he is also a drug addict and master manipulator. Until yesterday he was living down south, in and out of homeless shelters, in and out of psych wards, in and out of various churches and occasionally he slept on the street.

I have tried, and my family has tried, to help him several times; each time, we got screwed over.

Upon seeing him this time, I got such an instant headache that I thought my head was going to explode. I sort of just stood there with my mouth hanging open.

He explained to me that he was there because he wants to get help. He asked me to help him get help.

I called my mother and told her what was going on. (They divorced when I was a baby.) She was very short and obnoxiously said to me, "The only reason that you would do anything to help him is because you want attention. He has other people to help him, let them do it." I told her I had to go.

I was stunned by the way she treated me; by the tone of her voice, and by what she said. I tried to let it go but it kept creeping back into my consciousness as I was taking my father in and out of various doctors' offices.

I realized that I think my mother may feel guilty. I'm sure if I chose a total jerk to be the father of my child (which, actually, I did) — a total jerk that can't get his life together and is a huge burden on me — I'd feel badly about it also.

I wonder if this is a common problem for divorced parents. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

As is obvious from my previous posts I've had some struggles with dealing with Levi's family. It seems that just as the point came that I was very comfortable and very happy with never having to deal with them again — they barged back into my life making all sorts of demands of me and my time.

I thank you all for your advice and no doubt, I took a lot of it to heart. After writing about how they asked for me to keep their visits with Adrian a secret, and then reading your responses I came to the realization that I just don't have the emotional energy to expel on them.

I called Levi's sister and told her that the whole scene was making me uncomfortable and that I felt that they should deal with Levi, be upfront and honest about their feelings, and then they were more than welcome to see Adrian.

His sister became irate and hung up the phone. Ten minutes later I got this email:

Faith:

I appreciate that there are things you want from us that you have not received. I cannot get an email one day asking when we will see Adrian, giving the dates that you will be away and the next day getting a call that you don't know if you want us to see him.

You are not the only one with big problems and big issues to deal with. If you decide you want us to see Adrian without out any drama, fine. If not, then we will all have to deal with the consequences, most of all Adrian.

When Adrian grows up and wants to know why he has no relationship with his father's family, believe me, you will not be able to put it only on us.

I'm so tired of the shady nonsense that goes on in Levi's side of the family. As I wrote before, Levis' mom emailed and asked to see Adrian, then Levi's sister, Erica, also called and asked. We spoke and everything seemed fine.

I still had that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, but decided that it was just because of all of the drama that has transpired between us in the past few years.

Then I got another phone call from Erica. She sounded stressed out and out of breath, and asked if I could talk for a second. I said "sure." She reiterated again that she wanted to see Adrian — that her mother really wants to see Adrian — but that they were worried about the way that Levi would react.

She told me that they cannot control what Levi does, or in this case does not do, and that they decided that it is best that Levi not be told that they are taking an interest in Adrian.

Translation: Don't tell Levi that we are talking to you or your son.

I suppose that I really don't care. I mean, I believe that Adrian is really, at this point, my son and who he visits with is none of Levi's business. However, I'm not interested in anymore of their drama. And, knowing them, Levi will find out and inevitably somehow I will end up the bad guy.

So, I'm back to being torn again. Do I just play along and allow Adrian to develop a relationship with his aunt and grandmother behind his father's back? Or do I tell them to work out their issues with Levi — be upfront and honest — and then we'll talk?

What do you think?

Levi's mom emailed me the other day. She hasn't emailed me since the day after my Adrian was born. It was in that email that she told me that my son was "nothing that I should be proud of" that he "should have never been born" and that I should "give him up for adoption immediately" and that if I didn't, I shouldn't come "crying to them for help." She said all of that, amongst other things.

Needless to say, there was no love lost between the two of us.

So anyway, she emailed me last week, totally out of left field to tell me that she now feels that Adrian should have contact with them (herself and her husband) and she'd like me to bring Adrian to see them on Saturday.

My initial thought was to say something along the lines of f*#k you, you've done nothing but be horrible people for two years. I mean, not only did they condone their son's really shitty behavior but they also allowed us to suffer. They haven't offered a dime in child support to us or an ounce of help.

Seriously, they haven't even bought my son a t-shirt since he's been born, and they are more than capable financially. So when I say they've done nothing, they have really done nothing.

But instead of instantly reacting, I decided to think about it. I decided to think about what was really pissing me off. I came up with this:

Their behavior toward me after Levi left really hurt me.

The fact that they refused to acknowledge my son really hurt me.

The fact that they are more than capable to contribute to my son's life but didn't really hurt me.

The fact that they condoned their son's behavior towards myself and our son really hurt me.

See a lot of me in there?

The conclusion I came up with is that its really all about...me. I'm angry with them because of the way they treated me.