What would happen if I just made up my mind to leave? How would life change for me and for my family? Would I find the inner peace that I lack right now? Would everything magically get better?

I'm not delusional. I know that it would be ridiculously hard. Most of all, I know that it would be a really difficult transition for my kids. They're young and as far as they know, mommies and daddies stay together.

Did I say it would be "difficult?" Maybe I should change that to "horrible." "Tragic." "Life-altering."

"The end of a secure life."

Am I being dramatic? I just try to think of what it would be like if a life truth was suddenly changed for me. What if my house burned down? What if I lost my arm? I can only imagine what it's like to suddenly have everything change.

I know that I would recover just fine. I know the process would be painful, but in the long run I think that it would make me happier overall. Then again, how can I be happy when I cause so much pain to my kids?

What a tangled web.

If I one day suddenly blurted out, "I can't take this anymore. I need a divorce," then it would be a bizarre combination of a huge weight lifted off my shoulders while also opening the door to a bunch of new drama and turmoil. It’s like I know what I want the eventual outcome to be, but I don't want to deal with all the stuff in between.

So what happens if I just make up my mind to leave? The world will be turned upside down. My life will never be the same again. The question then becomes, will the new life be better, and worth the effort?

My husband and I haven't been to marriage counseling for quite some time. I think it has been around six or eight months.

It's not from lack of trying on my part, but my husband's work schedule changed at the same time as our therapist's office hours changed, so it just became impossible to all get together at the same time.

In the meantime, our therapist became more and more interested in me. He didn't even attempt to see my husband anymore, but scheduled me for weekly visits.

I started to back off from seeing him because I got the distinct impression that he either a) had the hots for me, or b) thought I had some intriguing mental issue that he was going to cure and then write a PhD thesis about.

So I'm talking to my pastor about how I would like to get back into marriage counseling and he offers to see my husband and me for sessions. Those of you who have been reading my story for some time may remember that my husband and I started out with our pastor for counseling but wound up with the new therapist when we went beyond the scope of our pastor's counseling capabilities (translation: I tried to leave the marriage and my husband threatened suicide).

I was excited at the prospect of getting back into joint counseling, but when I told my husband he was not too thrilled.

In fact, if anything, he seemed really annoyed that I had asked our pastor for marriage counseling. It's as if our therapist's fascination with me meant that there was nothing wrong with the marriage...just something wrong with me. That means my husband's work was done. As soon as our therapist "fixed" me, everything in the marriage would be fine.

Guess what? I'm not "fixed."

My parents were always very affectionate when I was growing up. It was almost embarrassing how much they hugged and smooched each other, but there was something cool about it because it was obvious that they really loved each other and enjoyed being around one another.

My husband and I used to be pretty affectionate — after all, that's what I grew up with so it seemed natural — but the worse the issues in our marriage became, the less affectionate we became. You would be hard pressed to see us holding hands or embracing each other for longer than a standard, "Hi, welcome home from work" hug. We're so distant from each other that showing affection seems weird. Sometimes, I just don't want him to touch me.

What is this conveying to my kids? I know people say that a separation would damage my kids, but what potential damage are we doing by staying together?

We don't scream at each other, but we don't portray a married couple who necessarily enjoys being around each other. I don't want my kids to get the impression that this is what a marriage is supposed to be like. I know that the example my husband and I set right now will have a lasting impression on our kids forever. I'm really trying to not screw this all up.

I owe some of you a big thank you. Sometimes when I post things here I do it because I'm not quite sure what to make of a situation, but sometimes I post things just because I think the situation is interesting.

Once in a while there is a comment or two that really makes me stop and think, "Hey, why didn't I think of that?"

A while ago I wrote about my therapist, and how he had issues with my husband and me getting marital counseling through our pastor. You might remember that my therapist was concerned that my pastor and I might have the potential to allow our relationship to evolve into something inappropriate, even though nothing inappropriate has ever happened nor has there ever been so much as a hint or inappropriateness.

I guess I figured the therapist must have seen something in me that I didn't see in myself, so I just took his word and really believed it. It wasn't until I wrote about this situation and the comments started rolling in that I started to realize that maybe my therapist was thinking more about himself than about me.

Maybe he was threatened by the thought that he might lose us as clients, or maybe he's just not a very good therapist. Either way, it was you all who opened my eyes that I might be getting manipulated.

I'm in a weird position. I'm trying so hard to fix everything that I probably would dance through fiery hoops if that's what my therapist said would help my marriage How in the world did I get so needy?

I have an appointment with a new therapist — a female therapist — later next week. If she tries to manipulate me, I think I'm done with therapy.

A few months ago I read a Newsweek article written by a woman who was in the middle of a divorce. She and her husband had both come to the realization that the marriage wasn't going to work, so while they still remained friends they knew that divorce was inevitable.

Instead of splitting up the household goods, working out a custody arrangement for the kids, and then going their separate ways, they still lived together in the same house they bought as a married couple. They had separate bedrooms, but they still maintained the home concurrently. The kids knew the parents were divorcing at that eventually they would be split up into two households, but until the house sells they'll all stay together under one roof.

I remember thinking to myself as I read the article, "Is this feasible? Can two people who are divorcing share a house and not be freaked out the whole time?" I figured it must be an exceptional situation, and didn't give it much more thought until a friend recently told me about her neighbor who is doing the exact same thing. Apparently they're afraid to put the house on the market because of the current real estate environment, so they've set up separate bedrooms and they've already filed the divorce paperwork.

Does anyone else think this is weird?

If I filed for divorce I would not want to live in the same house as my husband. Maybe it's different for me because my husband absolutely does not want a divorce, so it would be weird to live with him and deal with the whole, "Are you sure you want to do this? Can't we work it out? How could you do this to me?" thing that I would probably get from him every single day. Not being able to be physically away from him would be bizarre, considering the circumstances.

Apparently I attract a lot of men.

I don't mean in everyday life, although I might make the claim that I clean up pretty nicely for the most part. What I mean is that I've noticed that men seem to like to read my blog and then freak out about the things I say.

I don't know what makes me so appealing to these guys/this guy, but it probably has to do with the fact that I'm not yet divorced and am open to write about nearly anything. Maybe my critics think they can change my mind.

One thing I've noticed, and which I just really have to comment on, is that one commenter in particular really seems to project his own marital issues onto me. When I say "project," I mean that he was hurt by his wife/ex-wife in a certain way and for one reason or another he sees the same thing in me.

I'm just assuming, of course, but I think that when he types out his angry tirades that he is actually typing to his wife. It may be subconscious, but I would bet you anything that after he comments on my blogs he gets a real feeling of satisfaction.

Hey, mess with a blogger who has a degree in psychology and you're going to get an analysis. Sorry.

So to my dear male critic, I need to clarify a few things. I'm not your wife/ex-wife. She and I are two completely different women. I know that you think she didn't do enough, and that you had to carry the burden of everything. I know you resented her staying home while you went to work. Maybe that arrangement was indeed off-kilter for the two of you, and maybe it proved to be the downfall of your marriage. I sympathize that you had to go through that, and I have no doubt that at one time you were completely in love with her. It's tough to watch love dissolve, isn't it?

The other day was a doozy. The kids were both stir-crazy because of the rain, and when they get stir-crazy they get awfully clingy and needy. I had three deadlines looming and I had to go to a meeting. The house was a mess and I couldn't figure out a time to go grocery shopping even though the pantry was pretty much bare.

All in all, it was the kind of day where I felt stretched to the limit and although I wanted nothing more than to curl into bed and hide from the world it just wasn't an option.

Too many obligations, and not enough of me to go around.

After the kids were in bed I sat down to punch out the work that I had to do. I figured if I worked for two hours straight I could get to bed before midnight, then the next day I could try to tackle the housework and maybe get to the grocery store if everything worked out.

I had been working for a few minutes when my husband stopped flipping through the television channels and looked over at me. "I need to talk to you about something," he said, and then proceeded to tell me that I wasn't paying enough attention to him.

Now that's bad timing.

I was already on edge because I was trying to deal with so much at once. Sometimes it gets overwhelming: kids, work, keeping up the house...I understand that when I have so much to deal with my husband's need for attention might take a back seat. There are just some times when I have to get stuff done and I don't have the time to fawn over him.

That either makes me a realist, or it makes me incredibly insensitive to my husband's needs. Or maybe I'm an insensitive realist.

I work hard. It would be great to end an evening with my husband saying something along the lines of, "I know you've been stretched thin lately. What can I do to help?" instead of, "Pay more attention to me."

I'm beginning to realize that this state of limbo just isn't going to work.

A while back I decided to just disregard the feelings I had about leaving, and to push it all aside and just go on like everything is fine. You know what? Everything isn't fine. It hasn't been fine for a long time, and it's not something that I can just decide to switch on and off.

The fact remains that something has to be done. A decision has to be made soon.

How did I figure this out? I was sitting on the couch, working on my laptop while my husband was watching TV. There was one of the Lord of the Rings movies on — I'm sure don't know which one it was because that's not really my cup of tea — and I glanced up just in time to see a scene where one of the guys returns home to his kids who leap into his arms and his wife who smiles, embraces him, and gives him a loving kiss.

It hit me like a ton of bricks: Married couples should be happy. I should want to kiss my husband when he comes home. I should smile when I see him walking toward me. I'm not saying that everything should be sunshine and roses 100% of the time, but how much longer can I wander around in the fog of "marital issues?"

When I saw that scene on the TV and had that reaction, I almost stood up and announced that I was packing my bags.

I'm trying to be practical about all this. I'm trying to give this situation as much effort as I can. I'm going to therapy. I'm trying to be a good wife. For goodness sake, we just booked a vacation for this summer!

I'm doing everything I can think of, and I have been doing it for months. I'm exhausted, and I'm starting to freak out a little.

I remember the exact moment I realized that things might not work out with my husband.

We had been married a couple of years. His job had moved us away from our family and friends, but we were back in town for his friend's wedding. The trip corresponded with my birthday and I was excited to celebrate it with all our old pals.

My husband and I had an agreement that he would get to spend a bunch of time with his friends and I would spend a bunch of time with mine. His friends preferred video games and drinking beer while my friends liked going out dancing and enjoying the nightlife. It's not that our friends didn't intermingle, but it was definitely a situation where the guys hung out with the guys, and the girls hung out with the girls.

The morning of my birthday my husband took off with his friends. He was gone all day long. I didn't have anyone to spend time with during the day because all my friends were at work so when I asked him to carve some time out of his day for me, he got really defensive.

"You said I could hang out with my friends as much as I wanted!" he argued.

Yes, I had encouraged him to spend time with his friends during the vacation, but I guess I figured that maybe my birthday might be cause for some time together. I didn't even care if he had invited me along with whatever they were all doing that day. I just didn't want to sit alone on my birthday.

Silly me.

Late that night he came back to the hotel with his friends and a cake from a grocery store bakery. They all stood around me and sang "Happy Birthday" in a way that tipped me off that all these guys knew I was mad at my husband, and they all thought I was a typical hysterical female. Have you ever heard "Happy Birthday" sung by five very unenthusiastic men who wanted to be somewhere else? It's not pretty.

Let me tell you what it's like to lay down for bed every night next to a man who you aren't sure you're supposed to still be with, although I'm sure there are plenty of you who already know what this experience is like.

I usually go to bed an hour or so after my husband because I work from home at night after the kids have gone to sleep. When I walk into the bedroom I walk quietly because I don't want to wake him. I slink into the bed as quietly as possible and don't move unless I have to. I try to settle into one position and I don't cough or fidget or roll over.

It's not that I'm such a nice wife that I don't want to wake him, although there's some of that there. The main reason I go through this ritual every night is because I don't want him waking up and thinking that we're going to indulge in some lovemaking. I don't want him rolling over and putting his arm around me. Some nights, his arm around me feels like I'm being smothered. I don't want him waking up and wanting to have some sort of deep conversation.

I'm exhausted, and I want to sleep.

It's impossible to not think about relationship issues when I'm lying in bed in silence, next to the man who has caused me so much grief. When he stirs and starts making the moves on me, I feel trapped. I want to cry. I want to push him away, pack my bags, and never come back.

As I experience these emotions I wonder if it's even possible for a relationship to bounce back when it has reached such a low point. How do you go from lying in bed, praying that your husband doesn't touch you, to one day looking forward to ending your evening with a nice snuggle?

Long story short: I don't know how to change how I feel.