You know, it's easier for me to say and list the things that I don't want in my life. In discussing settlement options and living arrangements for the boys, the issue came up of moving closer to my ex.

Mind you, this would totally uproot the children from their school, their life in their neighborhood, including their friends, church, sport organizations, etc. So, I'm not sure how realistic of a mind-set this discussion even had, especially considering doing that to children. The goals are obviously not the same here — to keep the best interest of the children in mind at all times.

So, I'm not willing to relocate closer to my ex to facilitate shared parenting or co-custody. Right now, he's living with his mother, and I'm certainly not going to travel and move away from my friends, support system, etc., to watch he and his mom work together to raise my children. I'm not exactly sure in what world that would be considered okay from a mother's perspective ....

I know that having their dad around a bit more would be productive for the boys, especially considering that I didn't grow up with a father. I'm not willing to sacrifice my needs, though, to move - or to put the boys' emotional side at risk for the benefit of my ex. That I can't do, and is on my "don't do" list, which is becoming much more sturdy — and I'm very pleased with that.

I'm a sucker for inspirational books, blogs, and messages. I digest them with ferocity, and I feel at times that an inkling of the "fruit" is being emulated in my life.

I've written in previous blogs about my desire for change. I received comments to go for life's open doors, and to go ahead and seek out positive change. I'm feeling little tugs at my side again, as I realign the goals I want. I really think the biggest change for me is going to have to be my job. There are aspects of the job that I love, but I think I've grown out of my position. I'm not sure that the time is right, but I'm not getting any younger. I've cut my hair, lost weight, bought new clothes — so I'm almost totally new on the outside!

My ex took a lot of items out of the house, so I rearranged the furniture to keep the house from looking so sparse. There has been so much change. It is overwhelming. I know it is. Most of it, though, isn't the positive kind of change that I'm proud of. That's the kind of change I want — something to be excited about, and maybe even have someone else excited about it too.

I'm ready and waiting. I don't expect something to whack me in the face, like magic, and make everything better. I do believe in the power of coincidence though, and am happily awaiting a sign in the right direction.

Last weekend was difficult for me. First, I received an e-mail from my ex pretty much saying that everything that was happening to me was my own fault, that I was fabricating every single detail, threat, harassment, etc. that he’s lashed at me for years.

My first response was anger. How could he say these things to me? This was exactly the reason we sought counseling together in the first place. Then I remembered, ‘oh yeah, this is why counseling didn’t work for us.’ I am a very generous person and I am very generous of my time with my children. And so it made me especially upset that he said he didn’t think the children were receiving quality care or time spent with them.

He thinks I walked away from him and our children when “I” turned my back on our marriage. Did I forget to mention that in the divorce papers I received he is asking for EVERYTHING? The children, the house (yeah, the one he didn’t want to stay in) my car, you name it, he wanted it.

In the meantime, he’s telling our children that he will acquire anything their heart desires if they come move in with him and his mom. Guess who will take care of the boys? Sure won’t be ‘daddy dearest.’ I so badly don’t want them to feel the pain that I feel from his abuse and scars that I know I will be burdened with for some time.

I worry about them. They are already complaining of stomach aches and crying over weekend visitation days. It all just sucks. They don’t deserve his wrath.

I've never had someone come into my home and critique my way of life, or the way that I've raised my children. Yes, I have in-laws, but somehow getting the legal system involved just isn't the same. In my heart, I know that my children are loved, safe, and have a happy home — but at the same time there's just no denying my nervousness.

There is no way to dictate how the visit will go — if the kids will be in a good mood, or if they'll feel comfortable having someone new in the house. I'll explain to them, of course, that the guardian is coming to visit, but I'll need to find the right way to describe to them what's really going on. I need to find a way to tell them that the contact they have with this person will impact their lives so whole-heartedly. It's really scary in this position.

Here I am, coming from an abusive relationship and my world is literally turned upside down, pretty much on a weekly basis. I struggle to remain standing upright and not suffer from vertigo. I know I can do it! Even if I do fall down, I will get back up. That's a promise I've made to myself. I've lived nine years in this relationship — I have many, many more to live outside of it.

I rearranged furniture, placing items where I deemed fit, not based on anyone else's standard. Glancing through the house, I was satisfied with my work. Each room oozes a reflection of me and what I want in my life.

I did miss my children, but continued on my personal quest. It rained for much of the weekend. Rain can be so gloomy at times, but every time I looked out the window, I just kept thinking of the rainbow at the end of a storm or the fresh flower that blooms from the precious raindrops.

I realized over the weekend that there are so many things I need to start over. I never put myself first in my life or my marriage. I always put my ex's priorities in life above my own. I need to make amends with my priorities and allow them room to grow.

I decided to go outside to do some gardening. It wasn't hot, and I felt good working with my hands, watching the flowers nourished by the moisture. I soon started to feel energized — quenched by the water like a child playing in the puddles. Had I not known better, I would have stripped down, laid in the grass and let myself soak up the rain.

I've never been in such a tight spot financially in my life. I have not received any assistance financially so far through the divorce process, something that is being addressed quickly, as my boys will soon be the victims of my spouse's financial attack against me. I hate that they are so fragile in this process and placed in the middle — indirectly or not.

For two months, I've held the house stable, paying all of the bills, on my own — but obviously, the pennies are running low. The value of money is starting to lose its hold on me. I never was a very materialistic person, and always have been a penny pincher. But, when you have very few pennies to pinch, I guess that quest seems somewhat futile.

I'm adequately pursuing assistance from other means, food co-ops, subsidized health care — anything that will help me stay above the zero balance. I've had offers for financial assistance from my church, which is embarrassing on one hand, but on the other, I'm grateful that others know the financial repercussions of divorce and what I'm going through. I'm not on my own in my financial woes.

I can't help but be angry at my spouse for leaving his children without proper funding — he's just holding out, hoarding his money. He was always the spender in our family. I wonder if his materialism will ever lessen. His attacks on me continue.

I just couldn't take the abuse any longer. I had been reading about verbal and emotional abuse, and I realized that the scars are often worse than physical bruises.

I knew that I had to get out of this horrible relationship and reclaim value that I knew I still had, deep down.

I still had some hope for my relationship at one point, but my husband kept calling me, crossing the only boundary I had asked for: some space and time alone. He showed me that he didn't care about my feelings or my boundaries. He was willing to cross them at all costs.

He hacked into my email and private accounts to read my correspondence with other people, showed up at appointments that I had scheduled, harassed me at work, and even came to the house uninvited, which was scary.

Luckily, he stayed in the car. On the phone I made it very clear that he needed to leave.

The following week, I filed for a restraining order, limiting contact and forcing distance of 500 feet. I realize that a piece of paper isn't going to dictate anyone's actions, but the repercussions of not abiding by it is a big fine and imprisonment. I think the terms are pretty stable, and there is a boundary that I am no longer in charge of setting.

I have my house under lock and key, with a monitored security system, and police department numbers stored in my cell phone. I'm on guard. I pray for the safety of my children and myself on a daily basis. I pray that we all remain safe through this divorce and will eventually find some peace in the turmoil.