A legal separation and divorce are more similar than different. In fact, except for a few key points they are almost the same. The difference is in the legal standard one must meet to obtain a legal separation or divorce and the relief you get from either. Even then, the difference only has to do with whether or not the marriage continues.

All states have legal standards a couple has to meet in order to divorce. You have your no-fault states in which anyone can divorce, reason or no reason. Then you have New York State, which still requires grounds for divorce.

In the end, a divorce simply means that the state you live in recognizes that your marriage is broken and can’t be fixed.

A court can grant a legal separation if “irreconcilable differences between the parties have caused a temporary or unlimited breakdown of the marriage.” A legal separation suspends the marriage whereas a divorce ends the marriage.

The relief offered by a legal separation or a divorce is, again, quite similar and in some situations exactly the same. In cases of legal separation and divorce, most state courts can make provisions for:

1. Child Support

2. Child Custody

3. Visitation

4. Division of Marital Property

5. Spousal Support

6. The Marital Home

7. Health Insurance Benefits

Do you need a break from marital conflict, but you’re not ready to take the next step for divorce? If so, legal separation will give you the break you need, and protection while you take time away to figure out your next step.

During a legal separation, a couple will negotiate a temporary agreement and file it with the courts. This means that during the time you are living apart such issues as child custody, spousal support, visitation and the division of marital assets and debts are legally protected.

Be aware though that whatever you agree to during a legal separation may set a precedence that will carry over should you and your husband eventually decide to divorce. You should be as concerned with your long-term needs when negotiating a legal separation agreement as you would be if you were negotiating a divorce settlement agreement.

Below are a few advantages of a legal separation or why a woman may choose a legal separation over a divorce.

• A legal separation will protect you financially because any assets or debts acquired during a legal separation may be considered separate property. This is especially important in states where couples are required to live apart of a period before filing for divorce.

• There are social security benefits available to a wife who has been married 10 years or more. If you have been a stay-at-home mom, and haven’t paid into much social security, remaining married until you meet that 10 year requirement should be a consideration when deciding whether to continue in your marriage.

For the past five weeks I’ve been talking about pro se divorce — how you can represent yourself in a divorce action. Here are some frequently asked questions:

1. Can I handle a pro se divorce?

People who are in the best situation to proceed successfully are those:

• Who know where their spouse is;
• Whose children are not involved;
• Who have divided whatever property or money they have to mutual satisfaction;
• Who do not want any monetary settlement from each other; and,
• Who have settled most of the otherwise disruptive emotional issues between them so they can cooperate.

2. Is it possible to go pro se if I have children?

It is possible to handle issues such as child custody, support, and visitation as a pro se litigant. But anyone with children should at least consult with an attorney before coming to a final agreement on these issues. Having an attorney look over your agreement will protect you now and down the road.

3. What if my spouse moved out of state?

If you have your spouse’s address, it is possible to have the sheriff where he lives serve him by certified mail. Your local court clerk will have information regarding serving a spouse who lives in another state.

4. What if I do not know where my spouse is?

If you do not know where your spouse is, you cannot serve him with papers. Instead you will notify your spouse by publication. You must follow specific rules about when and where to publish a legal notice in the paper and you must get documents to prove that you have taken these steps. You will also have to pay for printing the notice in the paper.

5. Why consider a pro se divorce?

Your first choice in handling your divorce yourself (Pro Se) was to try mediation. But if that didn’t work and you have to go to divorce court, you will need documents and other information from your husband to help you make your case. The legal process for acquiring what you need from your husband (and the process by which he acquires what he needs from you) is referred to as “discovery.”

During discovery, you have methods you will use to gain information. State laws differ during the discovery process, but there are five common steps or methods to take. These may well become a part of your divorce.

• Disclosure:

Disclosure is the process by which you and your spouse discloses to each other, and the court, the documents and other evidence you intend to use in divorce court. If you believe your husband has documents or evidence – financial statements, emails, photos, letters, receipts, or videos that will help you prove your case – you should file a motion with the court requesting “disclosure” of such evidence. Your court clerk can assist you in finding the appropriate forms to file. If your court does not use forms and you have to write out your own motion just turn to Google. Do a search for “sample motion for disclosure” and you will come up with thousands of examples to help you when writing your motion.

What have we learned about Pro Se divorce so far? Be organized, and learn your state divorce laws, rules of civil procedure, and all those ethics codes that dictate how judges and lawyers do business.

You know how to file the original petition for divorce and how to notify your husband. Now you are asking, “What is next?”

Next is the fun part.

It is time to roll up your sleeves, and learn the meaning of the word “endurance.” If you are a lucky litigant the judge will order mediation in your case. This is your opportunity to negotiate a settlement with your husband, which keeps you out of divorce court.

Below are a few tips for those who are able to go through the mediation process:

• For mediation to succeed you have to be willing to give as well as take.

• Familiar advice: there is no place for your emotions during mediation. Mediation is about deciding custody, visitation schedules, and splitting assets. Your emotions don’t play a role in the mediation process.

• Be willing to grin and bare it. You may no longer like the guy you married, but during the mediation process it is in your best interest to be civil toward him.

To begin the divorce process as a Pro Se litigant you will file an original petition for divorce with the local court clerk. The original petition for divorce is a document requesting that the court grant a divorce.

Filling out the petition for divorce:

If you are asking for the divorce (or “filing” for it) you are known as the “petitioner,” and your husband is known as the “respondent,” or “defendant.” When you petition the court for a divorce, you state the cause of your divorce. If you are filing for specific grounds make sure you don’t go into details.

Example: If your spouse has cheated on you, you should say, “Petitioner seeks divorce on the grounds of adultery” rather than, “Petitioner seeks divorce because my husband has been sleeping with another woman for six months.”

The court isn’t interested in whether or not you hate your husband, feel he should be stricken from the face of the earth, or any other emotions you may have. Keep your feelings to yourself.

I promise you, the judge who has to read your petition will appreciate it.

Information needed in the petition will vary, but most states require:

• Identification of the spouses by name and legal address.
• Date and place of marriage.
• Identification of children from the marriage, their names and ages.
• Proof that the petitioner and her husband have lived in the state or county for a certain length of time and have the right to file for divorce.
• Grounds.
• A statement on how the petitioner would like to settle finances, property division, child custody, child support, visitation, and other issues related to divorce.

Filing the petition for divorce:

The petition for divorce, along with two copies and the filing fee (the Clerk of Court will tell you want it is), are hand delivered or sent by certified mail to the local court clerk.

If you plan to represent yourself in the divorce, or go Pro Se, you will have to be organized, know your state laws, get acquainted with your court clerk, and know your state’s rules of behavior for attorneys and judges.

Divorce is an emotional and legal event. If you have an attorney representing you, you are free to focus on the emotional aspect of your divorce. If you are representing yourself, it’s up to you to deal with both the emotional and legal aspects. To be successful as a Pro Se litigant you need to put your emotions on the back burner.

The best way to stay focused and protect your legal rights is organization and preparation.

Organization:

Knowledge will be your best friend; organization will be your second-best friend. The Pro Se litigant will accumulate a mountain of paperwork through legal research and court filings. Being organized will help you stay focused and will save time and energy.

• Purchase file folders and a filing cabinet to be used before, during, and after the divorce process.

• When doing research on state divorce laws and civil procedure, print out what you find and file it away in it’s own folder. It is reference material and you want it handy.

• Have a separate file for every document you file with the courts. In that file keep the original and a copy that is stamped by the court clerk with the court stamp and dates the document was filed.

• Keep a written log of everyone you speak with, the date you speak with them and the issue discussed. It will be a quick reference that will keep you from having to spend valuable time looking back through files.

Preparation:

The following is a 6-part series explaining the inns and outs of Pro Se divorce. Pro Se is Latin for "for himself" or "on one's own behalf." A person who represents him- or herself in court, without the help of a lawyer, is said to appear pro se.

The decision to get divorced can be difficult. You will be concerned about starting over, your children and of course, money. Money or lack thereof is one of the main reasons a person may choose to go Pro Se and represent herself during the legal process of divorce.

If you can’t afford an attorney, this articles, and the two that will follow, are for you. This is a comprehensive, step-by-step guide for anyone who needs or wants to represent herself and become a Pro Se litigant in divorce court.

Before jumping into the how-to’s of the Pro Se process it’s important to talk about the level of commitment it takes to represent yourself. Not everyone is equipped to go Pro Se. You need to be resilient and tenacious.

You will also have to:

• Deal with unexpected injustices and indignities. You will be exposed to nonsense that you would never expect in a court of law. You will meet people who will stare you in the face and lie under oath. You must be able to stare back at the nonsense and injustice and keep your cool while defending yourself and your position. Keep your outrage and anger to yourself and always respond to the indignities in a dignified manner.

• Write and speak accurately and precisely. When dealing with court documents and speaking in a courtroom setting it doesn’t matter what you intended to say. What matters is that you write and say what you mean…specifically. You want to write and speak literally and leave emotions out of the equation.

This time last summer Sharon, who asked that her last name not be used, was the typical wife of an Army pilot deployed to Iraq. She was expending a lot of energy on just surviving. But like most military spouses, she supported her husband in what he had chosen to do, and for what he believed in.

Her husband’s deployment meant she was wearing two hats, both mother and father to two children, 6 and 10. She mowed the lawn, kept the house, paid the bills, and laid awake at night worrying about her husband’s safety.

But she didn’t mind the extra work.

“It was all doable because there was relief in the friendships with other women who were experiencing the same in their day-to-day lives,” she said. “We vented to each other and took care of each other. We weren’t isolated because we were there for each other.”

Sharon, 36, is once again struggling to survive, but this summer for very different reasons. She is separated from a husband she says “came back from Iraq a changed man.”

As she sits in my living room, looking anxious and worn, Sharon tries to explain what went wrong in her marriage.

“I struggle to understand what happened and make sense of it,” she says. “All I know is that once he came home he was there physically, but emotionally he was absent.”

Shortly after returning from Iraq, her husband took up with another woman. It was a relationship, he told Sharon, that didn’t demand that he deal with parenting and a wife who wanted him to share wartime experiences.

The reunion of couples after long deployments and the post-deployment processes are complex and poorly understood. So complex that many military marriages are not surviving the transition.

In a military mental health survey done in Iraq in 2006, 20 percent of soldiers interviewed (both men and women) said they or their spouses were planning a divorce; that is up 5 percent from a year earlier.

Not long ago I wrote a blog post on my blog at Divorce Support.About.com. In it, I discussed ways to keep the family court system from gaining too much control over what happens in your divorce. I had a comment left that I found very enlightening and an apt description of how adversarial divorce has become. I'm going to use the comment here in hopes of making a point.

"Does divorce ever end? The answer, predictably, is "Yes," but not until you've reached the end of your patience, logic, optimism and reasonableness. Because, you see, that's exactly the point: The divorce wars have little to do with Mediation or Courts or even which spouse is the more childish of the two. It's about power and who can manage to stand on the log longer before toppling off, into the rushing water below.

If you really want to make it to the shore of singledom without finding yourself tossed into shark-infested waters, learn the art of endurance. Exercise until the sweat gushes from pores and glands you didn't know you had; take a Yoga class and learn discipline of the mind, spirit and body.

Build up your strength from within and get ready to stick to what you want like a barnacle to a shipwreck. After you've proven your tenacity, it won't matter whether it's a mediator or a lawyer assisting you on this voyage: You'll have set your course and now all you'll need to do is steer towards your goal."

I won't argue with anything in the above statement. If you have been through an adversarial divorce, you know from experience that it does boil down to who is the weakest, who has the most stamina, and who can hire the most expensive attorney.