Domestic abuse does not have to be physical to be experienced as abuse. Abuse can include belittling a woman, keeping her on a very tight leash financially, limiting her movements outside of the house, filling the house with fear. A Canadian study found that 79 percent of marriages with serious abuse end in divorce.

The first step in dealing with abuse is recognizing it. But action must be taken. Here are some sources of information:

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Domestic Abuse Awareness Handbook

• State Coalition List

• Domestic Abuse Shelters

• Domestic Abuse Victims Rights

Escaping Domestic Abuse:

If you or someone you know are living in an abusive relationship, and there is a chance of danger, the important thing is being ready and able to leave. Leaving isn’t an easy decision to make, I understand that. If you are decide to stay in a relationship, but think you might have to flee some day for safety’s sake, keep a survival kit ready.

Look up the addresses of the nearest women’s shelters or motels, so you know you will have a place to go. And make sure you have the following items with you:

• Money for cab fare

• A change of clothes

• Extra house and car keys

• Birth certificates

• Driver’s license or passport

• Medications and copies of prescriptions

• Insurance information

• Checkbook

• Credit cards

• Legal documents, including, if you have them, separation agreements and protection orders

• Address books

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According to news reports this week, Britney Spears is planning to contest some of her divorce attorney’s legal fees, arguing that they are too high.

Whether you’re Britney Spears or Brittany Smith, divorce can be a costly venture – and being overcharged by a divorce attorney can be a real issue.

According to FWW’s Diana Mercer, a California attorney who specializes in mediation and is the author of “Your Divorce Advisor,” when clients feel they’ve been overcharged, the first step is to ask for an itemized billing and compare it against your own notes of phone calls, court dates, letters, and work you know the lawyer did.

“Your best action is to do this all along during the case,” she says. “Most attorneys bill you each month (and if they don’t, ask them to) so review your bill carefully each month and bring it to the attorney’s attention if you think you’re not getting good value for your money.”

Attorney Gregg Herman, the family chair of the American Bar Association, says that the client should also reflect on the conversations they have had with the lawyer.

“Good professional lawyers always assess the cost/benefit ratio to a client in recommending a particular course of action,” he says. “Ask to meet with your lawyer to discuss your concerns. Perhaps the lawyer can explain the bill to your satisfaction — or make an adjustment so that you are both comfortable with it.”

If talking with the attorney doesn’t give you the result you’d hoped for, you can ask the local bar association about its fee dispute mediation program.

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This one is a pop fly: during the Little League season, one mother is worried that her ex-husband makes their son nervous during the games. Under Little League rules this is the last year their son, who is turning 13, can compete. Mom thinks that Dad puts too much pressure on him.

She asks: “If my son is with me that weekend, and he is playing baseball, does my ex have a right to be there, even though it isn’t his weekend?"

Terry Ross, a partner at Silberberg & Ross, LLP in California, says, “Yes, by all means.

The father is allowed to attend a child's events. It shows that he is trying to share in the responsibility of raising the child.”

Ms. Ross added, "Normally the only time a parent is not allowed to attend such events is if there is a restraining order against them." but that is in extreme cases.

David Young, a former Circuit Judge in Miami-Dade County, concurred: “Unless there is a ‘stay away order,’ parents are encouraged to attend their children's events, as it shows interest in the child's upbringing.’’ A stay-away order, it needn’t be said, does not involve a father making a child nervous and putting pressure on him. It’s for serious threats or dangers to the child.

Believe us, it’s not unusual for a father to make a son nervous. And, possibly, you may be the one making your son nervous; has he overheard you saying things about not wanting his father to be there?

Remember also that your son is no doubt putting plenty of pressure on himself; he wants to please you both.

But, if your ex show ups and makes a scene, running out on the field, screaming at the referees, and misbehaving in general — more than the other dads — that’s another matter.

If he does, he should be strongly discouraged from attending. Nervous is one thing, embarrassed is another.

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Before the evaluator comes to visit, parents should do a safety check and make necessary adjustments. The home does not have to be spotless, but sheets should be on the beds. Odors from cigarettes, trash, pets, and diapers should be minimized.

• A wide variety of fresh and healthy food should be in the refrigerator and cupboards. Everyone who lives in the home should be present for the interview.

•Anyone who is a frequent visitor to the home may be there at the beginning but should also be prepared to leave approximately ten minutes after the evaluator's arrival.

•The television should be turned off as soon as the evaluator arrives.

•The evaluator should not be offered anything but a glass of water.

•Let the evaluator choose where to sit and where to talk to household members individually and as a group.

• Inform the evaluator in advance if a household member needs to be seen first because of a work or school commitment.

When the evaluator asks for references or a witness list, the parent should be prepared with names, addresses, telephone and fax numbers, as well as the best time and way to reach them. (The parent should also speak with the references in advance.)

Put the reference into the time line of your story to give the evaluator some perspective on when and how long the reference has known the family.

Choose references, including family members, who can corroborate the parenting-plan history as well as a parent's good character.

Be wary of references who fail to back up your claims, who barely know you, or who hasn’t observed you being a parent.

The evaluator's confidential report must be filed with the court and served on the parties or their attorneys at least ten days before the custody hearing.

It will be used as evidence at the hearing but is technically not binding on the court.

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If this is Tuesday it must be the Cote d'Azure. How should an ex-wife feel when a husband is taking two young children on a grand tour of Europe? A reader asks "Do I have a right to ask for an itinerary, and phone numbers for hotels, when he's dragging them across Europe? The kids are 9 and 10, two boys, and I can't imagine they are going to be very happy."

It's up to the ex-husband to deal with two unhappy boys. As for the rest of the question, about your right to an itinerary:

"Absolutely!" said Susan Reach Winters, an attorney at Budd Larner, P.C., in New Jersey. "You have every right to know where your children are, especially for emergency situations." Moreover, if you feel your ex is taking the children on something dangerous, or something you do not approve of, you may "need to go to court," she said.

"Day trips? Not so much. But longer trips, yes," said Jacalyn Barnett, whose law offices are in New York.

"When a parent asks for an itinerary for an extended trip the child is taking with the other parent, it shows the child that the parent loves them enough to want to know their whereabouts," says David Young, a former Circuit Court judge in Miami-Dade County.

It is best, the lawyers say, if guidelines for situations like these are laid down in the divorce and custody agreement. Every divorce is different, but itís important to focus on the needs of the child and not fall victim to revenge.

If you keep your children from speaking to their father, you are making them casualties in your battle with your ex. There are instances where a parent will call too much, and that is also interfering with the other parentís right to have private time with the child.

Either way, the child is hurt.

Recently a member on our site asked, "If I take the kids on vacation is my ex allowed to contact them via email, phone or text?" The only time she got peace, she said, was when they were on a boat and out of cell phone range.

Every state has different laws, but they all look out for the best interest of the child.

Lynne Strober, an attorney at Mandelbaum, Salsburg, Gold, Lazris & Discenza in New Jersey, says, "Your ex has every right to speak with his children daily and have what is called reasonable contact."

But Ms. Strober has seen a parent abuse this rule.

"There was a case where the mother was much closer to the child than the father and she would constantly call the child, poisoning the child's mind against the father, and would blatantly try to interfere with the father's allotted time."

Jacalyn Barnett Esq., who practices in New York, remembers a case where the father tried to speak with his child on a daily basis, but the mother would stand in the way. She would give flimsy excuses: the child was "in the tub," or just "not available." That was also determined to prevent the father from having reasonable contact.

Situations like this can usually be resolved through an agreement between the parents that the children are allowed, say, 30 minutes a day to speak with the other parent.

In most situations, Barnett and Strober say that such an issue can be sewn up by the parents through open communication, or in worse cases with the help of lawyers or an arbitrator. It is rarely an issue that makes it all the way to the courtroom.

As men set their sights on women’s earnings, their entrepreneurial spirits, and sometimes, their celebrity value, women are increasingly finding the picture of so-called equality looking very strange. How is it that women increasingly are paying alimony?

Almost one in three married women makes more money than their spouses do. This economic statistic is certainly a factor why women increasingly are paying alimony.
However, in our society, women seem surprised to have to pay alimony even if they earn more.

This is because it is a fairly recent phenomenon in our legal courts. Secondly, for many women who are breadwinners (in a failed marriage), it’s not as if they ever expected to out earn their husbands, or do all of the heavy lifting in the family, or end up giving him spending money as you would do with a child. Women often feel cheated by the legal system because it is possible that they have to reward a sit at home bum.

The wife’s sense of being the victim is intensified when children are involved. Women share disproportionately the burden of money making, household chores, and child rearing. This is usually compounded by the lack of gratitude, appreciation, and emotional support a breadwinner is typically afforded by the household.

I have assisted many divorcing women who face the prospect of paying alimony. Our financial strategy is predicated upon her entire contribution to the family, including her spouse. Most importantly, they realize they are not an anomaly. They are freed of social stigma and part of a trend that is growing in ranks.

Click the following to return to the Divorce Resource Directory.

Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

From Megan Thomas: I cannot afford to pay the mortgage on my own, so if I leave my husband I'll have to get a tiny apartment. Can this be used against me when it comes time to deal with custody issues?

Megan: When deciding custody issues, Courts look to what is in the best interests of the children, not who earns the most money or who can provide better housing or monetary advantages. However, if you are the primary caregiver to your children, then maybe you should stay in the marital home and seek to have the Court order your husband to move out. While the divorce is pending you can make an application to the Court to have your husband continue to pay his share of the bills or mortgage until you have worked things out. You are also entitled to your share of the equity in the marital home, so maybe you can afford to buy him out and stay there with the children, or alternatively he might agree to defer the home sale until the children are older. You may be entitled to alimony and child support which would assist you in being able to pay the mortgage. My advice is not to rush into anything without considering all the options.

From Elaina Goodman: I'd never consider taking my kids' dad out of their (almost) daily lives. We share custody, and neither of us would have it any other way. Still, I wonder even if their time is split evenly with both parents, does it benefit them for one parent (me) to have full custody i.e. decision making power?

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

From Megan Thomas: Is there such a thing as an actual "legal separation" where you file legal documents and a petition and such, or are people considered legally separated when they live apart?

Megan: Living apart is different from being legally separated. Although both situations may feel the same, i.e. you and your husband live in different places, the meaning and implications of each choice is different. When you have a signed legal separation agreement that resolves all financial, child and spousal issues associated with the marriage, you have greater legal protection. In addition, you can use your legal agreement to outline rights you want to retain, such as retaining your ownership in the original home, despite moving out. You and your spouse remain married when you are legally separated, but should you choose to get a divorce, all of the details have already been worked out. Note that states handle the legal separation differently. For instance, in New York, if you have a legal separation for 1 year, then you can file for a no-fault divorce. If you go straight into a divorce without having been legally separated, then you must have a fault divorce. Check on your state's laws regarding the meaning of a legal separation.

From Julie Savard: I left my husband a few months back, but I'm running out of money. He's not paying child support for the kids, and I don't know what to do. Who can help me get the money he owes me?

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Warning: If you are arguing over who gets the "Endless Love" CD or a hairbrush, you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are spiraling out of control. Yes, your "stuff" may have great sentimental value. And yes, telling your soon to be ex-spouse that you want something that you know he or she will want—just to annoy them—may give you some sense of satisfaction at the time. But you have to stop and regroup.

It is very important that you take a practical approach when dividing up your marital "stuff" (or as we lawyers like to call it, "personal property"). It makes no sense to spend more money on attorney's fees or appraisal fees than your "stuff" is worth.

The most effective approach is for you and your soon to be ex-spouse to make a list of what you want to take with you after the divorce. Exchange your lists and negotiate the items you both want. In this day and age of technology, this is no reason to fight over photos anymore...just make copies. And when it comes down to the fishing pole, just give it to him. You can even flip a coin for the unresolved items, especially if these items do not have substantial value.

If you have personal property of great value and you cannot agree on the value and how to divide the items, you will have to get them appraised. You will incur appraisal fees and probably counsel fees in order to resolve the issue.

In most jurisdictions, if you brought personal property into the marriage, these personal items will be considered separate property and not subject to division. If you purchased items during your marriage, these items will be considered marital property, and are subject to division.
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