The emotion most prevalent during my separation and divorce was anxiety. I remember spending the better part of a year feeling I was shaking in my boots.

My ex and I separated in January and the divorce was final in September. By the time that first holiday season rolled around, post divorce, the anxiety had lessened but I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Especially as a divorced parent dealing with a less-than-civil ex-husband.

I could feel the knot of anxiety tightening and knew I had to come up with ways to reduce it during that first holiday season as a divorced woman and mother. Just as I had begun to learn how to deal with my post-divorce emotions, I found myself feeling overwhelmed again.

Below are four tips for reducing divorce anxiety during the holidays:

Identify Fears and Deal With Them

Anyone living north of the 36th latitude (Virginia) is going to have to deal with cold nights and big heating bills. I have to heat my house in the winter even in Miami, and folks in the desert Southwest have to pour on the heat for those nippy nights.

It would be handy to have a guy around to do all those handyman things, but if you’re going through divorce, and still living in the drafty family home, you’re going to have to do them yourself. And you can really save money this way.

An average American spends $1,300 on heating and cooling bills in a year. Those can be cut by 10 percent, 30 percent, 50 percent by tackling a few basics, like these recommended by the Department of Environmental Protection/Montgomery County, Maryland. Let’s start with drafts.

• We like this part: light some incense. Now walk around your house (ideally on a windy day), and see where the smoke blows away from the windows and doors. Don’t forget to check light switch plates, around the sink, and around light fixtures. Each of those places can have an air leak as well. And fixing these drafts is pretty easy. Grab a caulking gun from Home Depot, and go around the house, inside and out. Fill in all those loose places around windows and doors. And don’t forget to cut off drafts under doors, either with a rubber sweeper along the bottom or with a snakelike draft dodgers.

• Turn down the temperature on your hot water heater to 115 degrees. That should be hot enough for everything, and will be safer for your children. Anything hotter might scald them.

• Wear a sweater indoors, and buy the kids cool nice hoodies. Don’t forget to put on a pair of socks too, or slippers. Now, turn the thermostat down to 68 degrees. Get a programmable thermostat that will drop the temperature to 65 at night. And when you’re away from the house, 55 degrees is fine.

We Grandmas have a unique perspective — and a unique set of issues:

Finances: As the finances of the divorced family changes, we grandparents are often asked to step up to the plate and assist financially.

Custody: Grandparents are often an important part of a grandchild’s life, how does access shift after divorce? Do we have rights?

Care giving: Grandparents are often rearranging their lives as they take a more active part in their grandchildren’s lives, particularly after divorce.

Setting Aside Your Life: Grandparents are often postponing their retirement plans and moves so they can help raise their grandchildren.

Many grandparents share their stories with me and their anguish as their families face the trauma. Many divorcing people share their experiences with me. And my own experience as a divorced woman before the time of books, gurus, and blogs has given me some Grandma insights about:

—What our children need to hear from us.

—What our children should and should NOT say to their children

—How we answer our grandchildren’s questions.

—What in-laws can do?

—How we advise newly dating parents.

—How we offer financial help to our kids in a healthy way.

—How we help our children get through the hurt and start their new life

While we deal with these challenging issues and significant emotions all around, we must also be the flag-bearing leader of the family — salvaging love and respect in a family searching for answers, safety, and an end to all the hurt, while heralding the new “emerging” family which may very well bear little resemblance to the family that once was. Together — Grandparents included — we can make it through.

Going through a divorce is hard, even if it’s something you wanted. Buying a new house or trying to maintain the one you have, solo, is scary. So many things can go wrong — but you already know that! And the last thing you want to do is call your ex for help.

Make finding a reliable, trusted, creative handyman a priority. Don’t wait for the first thing to go wrong. Having him “in your pocket” will give you great peace of mind. My handyman’s motto is “When things go wrong, call Don.” And I do. He’s on speed dial.

Word of mouth is the best way to find your new guy. Ask your realtor, neighbors, co-workers, senior citizens, single women and inept men who they use. Name drop when you call your prospects — tell them who referred you and you’ll probably get a faster response.

Interview a few handymen. Look for experience, creativity and integrity. Do you feel comfortable leaving this man your key? Start small, and trust your instincts. Ask him to hang some towel bars, replace a cracked tile and fix that leaky faucet. If that goes well, you may be on to something!

Keep an ongoing “honey do” list on the fridge, and add to it when you see things that need fixing. Just writing it down takes a load off your mind. After you’re settled, have your handyman go through the house with you and create a maintenance manual so that you learn to do routine things yourself.

In the meantime, relax with the knowledge that when a squirrel comes crashing through your window and is running around your house, you know who to call. And he’s on speed dial!

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Kids have bionic ears — seriously, they do. When you're in the car, radio blaring, windows open, talking on the cell phone they pick up on the tiniest little piece of information and then disseminate it at the worst possible time in order to destroy you. They wait until it will have do the greatest amount of damage.

"Mommy, Uncle Joe is having a baby and he's not married," my daughter announced to my friends recently at a baby shower.

They are small terrorists — ready to strike when they know you are the most vulnerable.

"Mommy, didn't you wear that to bed?" My daughter said within earshot of her teacher as I pulled up in the afternoon carpool line.

So, if you should be so foolish as to talk junk about your ex, expect the worst.

"Daddy, Mommy said you were stupid and that you left her for a slut," you're little darling will say to her father. And this my friends will end up on the table in family court — a table that needs to be squeaky clean in order for you to achieve your objectives.

Bottom line — count to three before you run your mouth, or better yet, say it in the shower when no one is listening!

One of my dearest clients and her husband are in the midst of a nasty separation, which is leading to an even nastier divorce. At this juncture they are in a furniture battle, throwing things across the room, yes like "War of the Roses."

She is devastated. I tried to console her as best as I could but to no avail. At last I had a better idea. Let's go shopping. Shopping always saves the day. All of a sudden the twinkle came back to her eyes.

That day I had in mind antique lighting to properly light her new loft-like apartment. So we rode up to Stamford, Conn. to The Hiden Galleries. These types of antique galleries are great resources. Everything is in one location from lighting to rugs to sofas, etc.

It was instant retail therapy. The day turned out to be a success. We found many little treasures to help jumpstart her new life and look in the new apartment. It's very hard to downsize to a small living situation when you're used to an 8,700-sq. ft. house. But I managed to distract her from her troubles for a brief time and it was productive simultaneously.

Don't forget that small changes can make a dramatic difference to the way you feel. Every one has a different idea about interior design. My own belief has always been to make my clients feel comfortable, and at home in their own space, regardless of the size or the budget involved. Of, course the bigger the budget, the easier it is to create a wonderful environment.

For most clients the real trick is to not break the bank and achieve the same results with a modest amount. It can be very challenging, but with a little creativity, wonders never cease. With that said, every person I deal with has similar situations but different priorities in terms of what is important to them.