The emotion most prevalent during my separation and divorce was anxiety. I remember spending the better part of a year feeling I was shaking in my boots.

My ex and I separated in January and the divorce was final in September. By the time that first holiday season rolled around, post divorce, the anxiety had lessened but I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Especially as a divorced parent dealing with a less-than-civil ex-husband.

I could feel the knot of anxiety tightening and knew I had to come up with ways to reduce it during that first holiday season as a divorced woman and mother. Just as I had begun to learn how to deal with my post-divorce emotions, I found myself feeling overwhelmed again.

Below are four tips for reducing divorce anxiety during the holidays:

Identify Fears and Deal With Them

When 22-year-old Vanessa Van Petten saw a hole in the digital market, she decided to fill it. Where was the teen's voice? The teen's opinion? "I was reading lots of mommy and daddy blogs all over the Web; some had great advice and others were really missing some major points," says Van Petten, founder of OnTeensToday.com. A child of divorce herself, Van Petten (right) credits her nontraditional upbringing for the determination and versatility she possesses today.

"I grew up with two religions, four VERY different types of parents, as an only child, as one of four, in a big house, in a small house, in a liberal house and in a strict house," she explains. "I really got to live in the range and can relate to many different kinds of readers."

That determination and versatility are exactly the qualities to which her readers respond. Her web site, which is dedicated to offering a forum for teens to express themselves, reach out to other parental figures, and provide perspective on the elusive teenager, has become a smash hit with young and old alike since its launch in September 2007.

And when we say "smash hit," we mean it. OnTeensToday.com receives thousands of emails a day. "Parents mostly read my web site, but I work privately with teens and run a private social network for them as a forum and I hear from them a lot in those areas," says the Los Angeles resident.

How can Van Petten help you decode your kid? Here, four tried-and-true tips to smooth the familial transitions, from separation to divorce to second marriages:

You Can Never Say I Love You Too Much. We might roll our eyes or pretend not to hear, but in this time, we cannot hear it enough.

Before the evaluator comes to visit, parents should do a safety check and make necessary adjustments. The home does not have to be spotless, but sheets should be on the beds. Odors from cigarettes, trash, pets, and diapers should be minimized.

• A wide variety of fresh and healthy food should be in the refrigerator and cupboards. Everyone who lives in the home should be present for the interview.

•Anyone who is a frequent visitor to the home may be there at the beginning but should also be prepared to leave approximately ten minutes after the evaluator's arrival.

•The television should be turned off as soon as the evaluator arrives.

•The evaluator should not be offered anything but a glass of water.

•Let the evaluator choose where to sit and where to talk to household members individually and as a group.

• Inform the evaluator in advance if a household member needs to be seen first because of a work or school commitment.

When the evaluator asks for references or a witness list, the parent should be prepared with names, addresses, telephone and fax numbers, as well as the best time and way to reach them. (The parent should also speak with the references in advance.)

Put the reference into the time line of your story to give the evaluator some perspective on when and how long the reference has known the family.

Choose references, including family members, who can corroborate the parenting-plan history as well as a parent's good character.

Be wary of references who fail to back up your claims, who barely know you, or who hasn’t observed you being a parent.

The evaluator's confidential report must be filed with the court and served on the parties or their attorneys at least ten days before the custody hearing.

It will be used as evidence at the hearing but is technically not binding on the court.

Custody mediation can be a dress rehearsal for a court-ordered child-custody evaluation, because if the case is not settled in mediation, an evaluation could be next. Mediation can help parents dig themselves out of entrenched positions, get them to evaluate their goals, and help them develop a child-centered parenting plan that will promote the best interests of their children.

The mediator's job is to reduce acrimony and get the parties to agree to a custody and visitation arrangement. If that process comes to a halt, they can at least prepare the parents for what an evaluator will want to know.

An evaluator in the State of California, where we work, will want to hear about the parental history: when the parents met, when the parents' relationship became serious, when the parents began living together, when the parents got married, when the parents first separated, the total number of separations, the date of the last separation, and whether and when couples or family counseling was ever done.

The evaluator will also ask about grandparents, the parents’ siblings, extended family. And about any other minor children in the households. The mediator will definitely ask about the parents’ drug and alcohol history, and if there is any history of domestic abuse.

And then the evaluator will ask how the parents shared custody during the separation. And what current parenting plan they are using.

Here are the red flags that an evaluator will be looking for:

Women are hesitant and afraid to use the one word that frees them, honors them, earns them respect and gets them what they want. It’s a word too many of us think of as negative, but once uttered in the tug of war that is divorce, is extraordinarily satisfying. You will come to use with increasing frequency and cherish, once you master the skill of saying NO.

In her book, The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill), Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author tells us how to get over the hump of being agreeable and why we should. She talks about her own divorce and how the word NO changed her life.

You’ll want to start flexing your NO-muscle to begin to feel truly liberated. Here are five basic steps from The Book of NO to get you started:

1. Make a list of your yeses over the period of a week. — One request could send you into a tailspin, while it might take four or more to set off someone else. The real gauge is how pressured, tight for time, or resentful you feel.

2. Pay attention to how you parcel out your time. — When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.

3. Get your priorities straight. — Who has first crack at you without your feeling burdened or anxious?

4. Know your limits or start to define them if you don’t know what they are. — They can be emotional or physical or both, but there’s a point at which your line is crossed. How long are you willing to put up with your ex’s or soon-to-be ex’s demands?

House Blogger Wanda Woodard asks:

I've heard that when girls hit puberty they tend to turn away from their mothers and turn towards their fathers. My daughter has been away from her father for 2.5 years now, and she is in the throws of puberty. Is there any validity to this theory?

Susan Epstein responds:

What you are referring to is based on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of how girls develop their sense of femininity during their early oedipal years.

Certainly, there are psychoanalytic researchers who might agree that a girl without a father in her life might develop differently than one with a father.

However, the definitions of 'family' and 'parent' have changed drastically since Freud's writings, and children are being raised more and more by single women, single men, and same sex partners. There is more that we don't know than what we do know about father/daughter relationships and their impact on girls' development.

More important than focusing on "theory" is that you talk to your teen about the differences she is experiencing in her family. How does she feel about not having her father around? Does she miss him? How does she feel around male teachers and other men in her life? Are there other good men that she knows and respects?

What it comes down to is keeping the conversation alive and taking what you learn from your daughter and helping her fill those voids in her life.

Best regards, Susan

When I found out my parents were getting a divorce, I was relieved. For some reason, I knew this was a step in the right direction for both my parents; what I didn't know was the difficult half-decade battle would overshadow my life. Graduating only a few days ago, I am now back in my house, living in the bedroom I grew up in. It's hard enough to move back after you have tasted the freedom of college, but what makes it even worse is that I am now an adult, trapped in a house with a constant tone of anxiety looming from my parent's divorce. It's hard to make a new start in a home that constantly reminds you of the past.

Since my parent's divorce, I have had to make significant changes in my own life. I juggle relationships with both parents, while I often feel like a pawn in their divorce game. Instead of having the luxury of my parent's assisting me in my first apartment, they have squandered a copious amount of money on lawyer's fees. Everyday is a struggle. Your mom says, "ask your father", and your father says, "ask your mother". All the small things that get to you eventually snowball, creating anger and emotions you never thought you had in you. The hardest part is not letting it spill over into your life — snapping at friends, letting your grades drop, even gaining weight because you don't have the energy to exercise.

In all cases my world has been turned upside-down for a reason that didn't even involve me in the first place. It can be very difficult not to resent, or even hate, your parents for making you feel so abandoned. They forget that, just because you act like an adult and you pretend to be strong because you are sick of crying, you are still a child on the inside, looking for reassurance and comfort.

Dear Mom,

Why are you always yelling at me? Ever since you and Dad got divorced you have been acting really weird. "Do this, pick up that, put this away, do your
homework, get off the computer, set the table and brush your teeth!"

It really drives me crazy that you never just let me be. It's like you are taking out all your anger on me. You ask me why I don't listen to you. Well, everything you say sounds the same...plus you are on me all the time. I cannot finish a thought, a TV show, a computer game or even a conversation without you telling me to do something else!

You think that I have ADD because you think that I don't focus. Well, YOU don't let me focus. You are constantly interrupting everything I do. That
is the real reason why I can never finish anything. And to top it off, I feel like I can never do anything right. If you and Dad were still together none
of this would be happening. Why did our lives have to change?

Another thing, you are always working or on the phone. You never spend time with me. And that new guy you are seeing...well I won't even go into that! I know that I scream at you "I hate you!" I don't really "hate" you; I hate what has happened to us and how you are handling it. I don't mean to upset you or make you cry but I can't stand it!

Here's some ways you can make it better for me:

— Why don't you hand me a list of stuff to do and put a deadline on it? Let me manage my time and figure out when to get it done. Then if I don't follow through, you can yell at me all you want and I'll accept responsibility.

— Just stop nagging. It just makes me want to go to my room and get away from you. It also makes me say mean things to you like "whatever!", roll my eyes, and not do what you asked me to do.

— Set limits. I really do need a curfew. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I need someone to keep tabs on me.