Contemplating Divorce

Which public divorce from 2008 did your own divorce most resemble?

Marshall — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:01:48 -0500

* Keifer Sutherland & Elizabeth Winn: years to finalize * Pink & Carey Hart: still friends * Chris Kattan & Sunshine Tutt: Wham! Bam! Flash in a Pan! * Paul McCartney & Heather Mills: contentious and nasty * Robin Williams & Marsha Garces: collaborative

What do you think were the most ridiculous grounds for divorce reported in 2008?

Marshall — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 13:52:57 -0500

* Couple can’t agree on use of ceiling fan * Husband certain that gorgeous wife will cheat…eventually * Wife catches husband cheating in Second Life virtual world * Husband traumatized by wife’s acne * Wife threatened by husband’s love for books

Which Christmas icon best embodies your holiday attitude?

Marshall — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 21:00:23 -0500

* Scrooge: Screw them all, what about me?! * Rudolph: Red-nosed from joining reindeer drinking games * A NYC Rockette: High-kicking and chipper (until Jan. 1) * The Nutcracker: 'Nuff said * Xmas Elf: Working hard for everyone else * Charlie Brown's tree: A little droopy and in need of love

Is Chivalry Dead?

Marshall — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 02:24:08 -0500

* Yes * No

Which presidential candidate do you feel will best address the concerns and issues that affect divorced women the most?

Marshall — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 00:04:38 -0400

* John McCain * Barack Obama * Neither One

What impact has the current economic climate had on your decision to divorce?

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:42:58 -0400

* I have to put off my divorce until I can make it on my own * We’re still divorcing, but with increasing trepidation * Times are so tough that I'm having regrets about divorcing * No regrets, but I may need to renegotiate my settlement * None… Liberation is priceless!

As you're contemplating getting a divorce, what's the issue at the core of your decision?

Marshall — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:12:48 -0400

* It's always about money * Lack of appreciation. 'Nuff said * The act(s) of infidelity * Poor communication... or none at all

Patricia Arquette and Thomas Jane to Divorce

Jill Brooke — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:41:28 -0500

Patricia Arquette has filed for divorce from her husband, actor Thomas Jane. The two married in June of 2006 and have a daughter, Harlow Olivia, who was born in 2003. Turns out that their courtship lasted longer than their marriage. Though one doesn't want to believe that for Arquette marriage was "Flirting with Disaster," the name of one of her movies. More likely, they drifted apart as her career soared with the success of NBC's "Medium."

Arquette was married to Nicolas Cage in 1995, but they separated after only nine months. They didn’t divorce until 2000. She also has a son, Enzo, from her previous relationship with musician Paul Rossi.

Arquette filed for divorce from Jane on the grounds of "irreconciliable differences." Surely, her sister-in-law Courteney Cox must be saddened by the news. She recently declared that she would never divorce David Arquette, Patricia's brother, and do everything in her power to keep the marriage intact.

Most people work hard on keeping marriages together — especially when there are young children involved. However, there are effective ways to tell the kids that you are spliting — as well as many of examples of couples who have remained friendly after their divorces such as Robin and Marsha Williams as well as Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.

Carefully and thoughtfully managing a divorce creates the best outcomes because while you are breaking up, you are simultaneously rebuilding a new family structure.

Focusing On What I Have (Rather Than What I'm Missing)

Maya Halpen — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:55:32 -0500

"Love actually is...all around." When Hugh Grant's character narrates the opening of the movie Love Actually, he admits love — the love in evidence at the arrivals gate of Heathrow Airport — is not particularly dignified. It's awkward and pedestrian. But it's pervasive.

Shot after shot of homecomings and reunions reveal something profound in everyday love. Siblings, grandparents and their children, and old friends reach out for each other, smiling and crying. They hold each other dearly.

By nature love is exponential. It multiplies to the beat of a steady drum. It keeps families together, protects us, and makes the world go round. It is quiet and vital.

Love actually is also...terribly hard work. Things get in the way — like thinking love should move me and elevate me to star status. For years I suffered under the girlish delusion that love means having it all — drama, attention, and romance. Even older and wiser I haven't truly let go of what I think love should be long enough to see what love is.

Instead, in my head I created the perfect man by adding bits and pieces of memory to a smattering of emails from a former beau halfway around the world. I haven't seen him in 15 years, but on the skeleton of a boy I once knew, my imagination draped all sort of grown-up traits, creating a man who would put me first, would match my intellectual curiosity, and who would attract me and play with me exactly how I wanted him to.

But that man didn't really exist. And as I dreamed of him, of how being with him would change my life, I missed out on what I already had: Rob. He's imperfect, unspectacular. To be sure, ours is no dramatic romance. But it's comforting.

Love actually is...all around. But we must wake up — grow up — to see it.

Infidelity: A Type of Domestic Abuse

Cathy Meyer — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:14:10 -0500

When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.